I wrote this in my journal one day over four years ago….
“Lord, I have felt such anxiety, such depression. I knew you were there but I couldn’t touch you. You were reaching out to me…but it was like I was wandering in a desert. I was so thirsty, but I could not drink. The water was right there. I then began to be consumed with guilt and condemnation about how I had failed as a believer, and that was not from you. I was so consumed that I couldn’t even reach my hand up high enough to touch your lips for even a taste of water. And yet, you never left me. You stayed and reached down and pulled me up…little by little. But I had to be able to see you, to know that you were not a mirage. My reality had to become clearer…..and the increase in medication allowed me to see you again. You never left, but my perception, my vision did. I cannot put into words the pain I felt, I don’t understand it. Some say it was a spiritual attack, and I do know that there are battles…but it was more than that…Now my life circumstances have changed and I can see you again. You are no longer a mirage. You are my reality, my constant companion. I am “me” again…the “me” you designed me to be.
The fog slithers up behind you and engulfs you before you realize it…..
……..Depression and Anxiety…..
Years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. At that time I thought I could “pray it away” and unfortunately given well meaning advice that did not help. I chose to suffer. I kept asking “Father, why do I feel like this?”
I worked so hard to please God, thinking I would feel better. I am re-reading old journals and being reminded it was a never ending quest for me.
The last two weeks have been rather foggy. I knew something was wrong. I felt insecure, unloved, lonely, defensive and miserable. As I told a friend I “defaulted” into my performance based acceptance mode. I added guilt to the mix because I had no right to feel this way and was already on medicine.
Even my last blog post indicated it. I am not “scared” to do something that I believe the Father has called me to do….yet, I felt so insecure in writing my book(s) and shared it in a post.
I honestly had not been in the “fog” for four years. There are physical, emotional, spiritual and circumstantial reasons that can prompt this, but I won’t go into those at this time. Suffice it has lifted and I feel back to my normal ;).
If you suffer….please don’t suffer in silence. Don’t be ashamed to talk to a professional or take medication.
Our “feelings” truly can deceive us. The Father loves you and wants you to know that…… I urge you to take action and don’t suffer.
Grab the Father’s hand and don’t let the fog engulf you any longer.
~Be Encouraged Today~
4 thoughts on “Father, Why Do I Feel This Way?”
Oh Tammy, you are so special to God and to so many other people including me. Don’t place undo pressure on yourself. It took years for me to finish my books. When the “muse” of writing hits, it will flow beautifully and writing can’t be forced. I seem to find my inspiration either in the fresh air or the shower. I think the water stimulates the brain, 🙂 As a quote from one of my favorite movies, Finding Forrester states, “The first draft you write from your heart, the second draft you write from your head.” Just have fun with it at first!
You made my day with all your comments on my posts. I have been falling into a deep depression this past week. Our pretty little Lhasa and my walking buddy for many years in Arizona had to be put down last Monday. I have been so blessed to have her in my life and shouldn’t feel this way. My head says one thing and my heart tells me another. I know you absolutely know what we are going through, having lost your sweet Westies. Time heals and in the meantime it’s good to surround myself with my wonderful friends. Love you my friend,
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I am soooooo sorry about your little pup! I was so surprised at the depth of our grief when we lost our Bubba several years ago. Time does heal, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with me. I am soooo much better and so grateful to have a heavenly Father who knows me inside/out and from the top of my head to the tips of my toes! He is a good, good Father! Love you dear one and know you have my prayers.
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Thank you for sharing such an open post. You know, most times Christians struggle with looking for professional help when they are suffering because we expect to pray it away. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in seeking professional help when one finds themselves in such a situation.
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I agree…and sharing so publically can be misunderstood as well. But that is ok. If one person seeks help then one more person is not suffering. Thanks for stopping by Jacqueline!