Yoo-Hoo! Over here…look at what I am doing! Is she upset with me? Did I make her mad? Did I do that right?!?! Did I , could I, should I??
Good grief! Ok, confession here. These are not the rantings of an adolescent, but that of a 52 year old woman! Not out loud where people could actually hear it….but ah, those thoughts ran through my head many a day!
Last time I talked about my “performance based acceptance” and the legalism that bound me for several years. It took me a while to quit making those checklists and get “free” and realize I was to live under grace! I had to break my pencil to quit those lists! Well let me tell you, the checklist reappeared and with it a very tight rope. And I helped tighten it!
I just re-read a blog from last year during this time and I was indeed swirling. I was in a deep, dark hole…spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. I did not realize how deep until I cut that rope and threw away that list! I felt I was just “going through the motions and hanging on to God.” Actually, I see now that He was “hanging on to me.”
I had re-entered the public school system as a teacher about 10 years ago. I felt led to do so and the Father opened up a job. In one day I had an interview and got a job. I really was only half way looking since my wise husband had been praying for a way to pay for our son’s college education. I had homeschooled them and they were about to further that education. It was a total God thing to get a job that I did not know even existed!! I always felt it was for a season. A time to help financially, and then I would be released.
I stayed two years too long. How do I know that? The youngest graduated two years ago…but I thought I could hang on long enough for a partial retirement. A “dangling” carrot of sorts. Not that there is anything wrong with a pension, but it became my primary goal and I truly wasn’t listening when the Father was trying to get my attention. At the end of that checklist I saw a small bunch of carrots and had to get to them!
The rope almost choked me in October. I started the school year, trying to muster up a good attitude. I had started losing my hair in tremendous volume and all over ( but thick, curly hair provided a good comb over on my head..) and had a bout with a very curable skin cancer ( its placement kept me from raising my left arm for several weeks..long enough for my husband to have to basically set up my room) But I was strong, I could do it!!
Therein lies the issue. I could not do it in my own strength. Last year at this time I had to increase my anxiety medicine. (Another blog) and I felt awful. The rope around me continued to tighten, and I just stood there! The checklist increased in length. October 1st…. I gave up. I quit. I bailed.
I will share more of this story next time…stay tuned!
IN CHRIST ALONE
*google search image*