I wrote this in my journal one day over four years ago….
“Lord, I have felt such anxiety, such depression. I knew you were there but I couldn’t touch you. You were reaching out to me…but it was like I was wandering in a desert. I was so thirsty, but I could not drink. The water was right there. I then began to be consumed with guilt and condemnation about how I had failed as a believer, and that was not from you. I was so consumed that I couldn’t even reach my hand up high enough to touch your lips for even a taste of water. And yet, you never left me. You stayed and reached down and pulled me up…little by little. But I had to be able to see you, to know that you were not a mirage. My reality had to become clearer…..and the increase in medication allowed me to see you again. You never left, but my perception, my vision did. I cannot put into words the pain I felt, I don’t understand it. Some say it was a spiritual attack, and I do know that there are battles…but it was more than that…Now my life circumstances have changed and I can see you again. You are no longer a mirage. You are my reality, my constant companion. I am “me” again…the “me” you designed me to be.
The fog slithers up behind you and engulfs you before you realize it…..
……..Depression and Anxiety…..
Years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. At that time I thought I could “pray it away” and unfortunately given well meaning advice that did not help. I chose to suffer. I kept asking “Father, why do I feel like this?”
I worked so hard to please God, thinking I would feel better. I am re-reading old journals and being reminded it was a never ending quest for me.
The last two weeks have been rather foggy. I knew something was wrong. I felt insecure, unloved, lonely, defensive and miserable. As I told a friend I “defaulted” into my performance based acceptance mode. I added guilt to the mix because I had no right to feel this way and was already on medicine.
Even my last blog post indicated it. I am not “scared” to do something that I believe the Father has called me to do….yet, I felt so insecure in writing my book(s) and shared it in a post.
I honestly had not been in the “fog” for four years. There are physical, emotional, spiritual and circumstantial reasons that can prompt this, but I won’t go into those at this time. Suffice it has lifted and I feel back to my normal ;).
If you suffer….please don’t suffer in silence. Don’t be ashamed to talk to a professional or take medication.
Grab the Father’s hand and don’t let the fog engulf you any longer.
~Be Encouraged Today~